Well, i certainly sounded pretty dismal in my last entry on here!!

I am currently still with my boyfriend, it is now only about 2, maybe 3 weeks until he moves up to Cambridge. We have discussed so many different options and possibilities as well as good and bad outcomes that may occur; yet we still have no decided exactly what to do!

I qualify in September and there is a fantastic job offer up in Cambridge, we're currently just trying to suss out whether or not a full time working nurse and her PhD studying boyfriend could actually maintain a healthy relationship. I personally would love to give it a go, and he knows this. He is just looking more on the rational side of how life will more or likely pan out... a PhD is not just any university course, it is long and hard and takes up alot of ones time. As does working 12 hour shifts! Basically, i am able to work where ever i please once qualified, if he (yes i have left the decision more or less in his court), comes to a decision that we shouldn't be together then i am not completely screwed, heartbroken maybe, but not screwed. It may well go the other way and i end up making one of the biggest changes of my little sheltered life and move up to Cambridge to be with him. (I know its sad but i have a little pang of excitement at the very thought of that!) Although i am aware i will be what feels like a million miles from what i know and love - my home town, friends, family and everything that is familiar to me.

What an interesting limbo i am currently stuck in!! Its all fun and games though i guess...its part of this thing that people call life!!

At this moment in time i am at my boyfriends parents house/farm in North Devon, i am visiting him for a week. Its so nice wearing wellies and braving the elements - well, mainly wind and rain! Not really doing much but doing loads at the same time!

Hope all who are reading this are well....

Emma

Ok, so if you've read my previous entry, you will understand when i say the person close to my heart will be moving to Cambridge in April to begin their PhD.

I am so pleased and proud for them its untrue, but the heartache i've felt from the moment they told me they were going is indescribable. I cry almost everynight dreading the day we have to say good bye and having to face the rest of my time at uni without them, no one to hug and cuddle anymore, no one to share my life with in that way. I cannot put into words how much i will miss them, i feel sick thinking about it, tears are in my eyes as im typing this.... I love them, i really really love them, and i have to get used to the fact that im not going to be with them...i only have 10 weeks left with them, 10 weeks is nothing and i cant prepare myself for the heartache thats going to take over me.

I would do anything to pretend its not happening, but that isnt going to help me...i just have to appreciate the time i have with him between now and then and be grateful of the relationship i have.

I know you hardly ever read this, but just in case you do, know that i love you and however hard its going to be, you are worth it.

As the title may suggest, my head is spinning.

I could lose someone very close to my heart as soon as next month. Could being the key word.

They may have to move away to start a PhD. I understand how much of an amazing opportunity it would be for them, hence why im not going to stop them. Thing is, i wont know anything until next Tuesday after their interview. I know PhD's are difficult to get into, and i know there is a chance that this person wont have to move away, it all depends (as i've been informed) on how many other people apply and their past experiences/knowledge base etc, as to whether they get offered it or not.

If they do, they could be starting next month. I cannot explain the thoughts that have been going through my head. The thought of being without them hurts so much, i cant and dont want to imagine how it would actually feel if it was to come to that.

I cried so many tears yesterday i dont think i have any left. I know how selfish im being writing only about how i feel on here, but it is me who seems to be only me who is looking that far ahead. I guess there isnt much point worrying about anything until we know the outcome next week. The not knowing can be just as painful.

I dont know what to do or how to feel.

I am so tired i think i may be verging on insanity!

I have been up helping three different friends through some very difficult times this past week; one of them im especially close to and wanted to be there for when ever i was needed, whether it be one or two in the morning i didnt care, and i still dont!

I just havent learnt to stop thinking about these things before i go to bed, therefore they play on my mind and i find it difficult to sleep. Tuesday night i was up and awake doing some work at 1.30 am because i knew i had so much to do i was constantly thinking about it...its not good.

Never mind, at least im realising that i need to stop thinking about these things just before bedtime (with thanks to Chris!)

Im enjoying my placement, although i am being given an awful lot of work, sometimes feels like i wont actually physically be able to do it, but hey, its all good, even got to go to theatre on tuesday and observed some very gruesome stuff! (and soon found out that surgery really isnt for me!!)

Anyway, off to bed me thinks! Hope all who read this are well, miss everyone at home, as always x

Well, looking back at my previous entry, things have certainly changed! I have managed to start that essay that i was freaking out about, i have written over 1000 words so im pretty happy with the progress im making!

All i have to do now is figure out how im going to finish writing up and perfecting that one, write my other essay (im thinking it should be easier because its linked to a scenario and is only 1500 words!), write my appraisal and make it into a presentation that i have to do by myself in December, as well as start placement and sort out my portfolio! :S

Apart from that...life is...life - if its ok to say that? I have a cold (which i am praying will be gone by monday when i start placement!), my sister had to attend a funeral of a guy her and her boyfriend knew from uni yesterday; he hung himseslf last week...no one had any idea, and although this thing happens and its terrribly sad, life just seems to carry on. Im still with my boyfriend, things are good, yet theres always something in the back of my mind telling me i should be better, should be making more of an effort in some way...im not quite sure why, but its there almost always. I am generally good though, starting placement monday, looking forward to it i think!!

Its so cold outside, although when its sunny its beautiful!

Miss lots of my friends, and sorry to inform you i probably wont be home until Christmas, but what a party we'll have!!!